Down the Rabbit Hole

Seriously frustrated and in need of reassurance that I am not going to get. 

I love the kids. There have been a few that never showed, a few that switched to mornings and a few new ones. I really enjoy them. I love hanging out with them at free time. However, I need to know that what I am doing is a good thing. That the company I am working for is a good one. 

This weekend I have thought back on my week with frustration. 

1. The language barrier is killing me. I feel like I have no control in the room because the kids don’t know what I am saying to them. I also feel like unless we can work something out, they are not going to learn much. I have an assistant that speaks spanish but she is going to school for nursing and really wants to do that, plus there is a little boy who speaks an African dialect which I have no help for. 

2. There are so many rules and regulations and I feel like I need to decide what is more important, following them or working with the kids. Both staff are supposed to be on the rug for circle time. Both staff are supposed to sit at the tables with the kids for lunch/snack. However, every time a child is in the bathroom a staffperson needs to be standing at the door. So nothing can be done on time because we cant just send a child to the bathroom and deal with the rest of them, instead we basically take turns standing at the bathroom all afternoon. 

3. I am figuring out things I dont agree with. One is that the children are not allowed to use their nicknames. If I have a child that goes by a different name at home, they cannot use it at the center because apparently they cant be trusted to know their real names. I feel like this takes away from the comfort and individuality of the child. It also adds some confusion to the class when I have multiple children with the same name. Another thing is that the diversity of the teachers does NOT match the diversity of the students. At all. Last time I checked, the city I work in was not 90% white yet thats what is going on in the school. The students are mostly hispanic with a few being something else. There are no white children in my class at all and yet I am standing there speaking a language they don’t understand and the parents cant understand. 

4. The parents are more comfortable with my assistant than with me. I have been told not to let them walk past me to deal with her, but when I see the visible relief on their faces when she starts speaking in Spanish I can’t not let them go to her. I don’t want them to be uncomfortable or frustrated. 

5. I am so worried that I am working for an organization that treats the kids as a number instead of as individual students. Everything is counting, and having the right number and blah.

I hope this year ends up okay. I feel like I have no control and no time. Maybe by January? otherwise I may look to switch to a new job for next year.  My assistant looks at me like shes amazed I have a degree in this. I am pretty amazed that I got a degree in this. Don’t really want to speak too soon but I hate feeling like crying all day every day.

Good lord I want to not be the new person anymore. This week consisted of:

-Going to two all staff trainings that were about last year. When I was not there. 

-decorating a room that I share with someone else while they were at trainings. I had to figure out what would be the least invasive way to decorate for both of us. 

-sitting in the classroom while the teacher I replaced was cleaning out her stuff and the other teachers were saying how much they would miss her and wish she was staying. 

-going to a retirement party for a woman I have never met. Being told repeatedly that I need to learn how to eat. Apparently three plates of carbs is the way to do it. So far I am a disappointment to all because of those damn fruits and veggies that I like to fill my plate with. 

-two home visits in non english speaking homes. I hope that they think I really am doing my job. 

-not receiving any guidance in the way of curriculum planning. The teachers are apparently supposed to simply use their curriculum books from last year. Makes sense to save paper. However, guess who wasn’t there last year and doesn’t have one of these very specifically laid out curriculum books? yeah me. Guess who has no idea what should happen with that? That would be both me AND my supervisor. 

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